


Dear Diary

by TheMoonisBeautiful (GrizztoMySam)



Category: Mewgulf
Genre: Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, M/M, Misunderstanding, Pining, Yearning, slowburn, somewhat canon compliant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:35:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29774886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrizztoMySam/pseuds/TheMoonisBeautiful
Summary: Glimpses of moments from MewGulf's love story through Mew's diary entries.Disclaimer: Will be somewhat canon compliant in that much creative license will be taken. Cheers to MGPFG forever!
Relationships: Mew Suppasit Jongcheveevat/Gulf Kanawut Traipipattanapong
Comments: 3
Kudos: 37





	Dear Diary

February 15, 2019   
Dear Dairy,  
Mama said it’s always better to write things down first rather than speak them out before my thoughts race far ahead of me and its too late to reach rhyme or reason. She used to call me her wild, free spirited boy, always reaching for the moon. You’re just a little too big for this little world, Tuaeng. You’re my wunderkind baby.   
But Mama has always been unfairly sweet and kind. 

I know this: I am too rash, too loud, too open, too fast, too....everything. 

So I’ll write all this down before I do something stupid and irreversible. 

I’m terrified. And fucked.   
Not again.  
Everything is still fresh. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and the hurt is so raw I can’t breathe? I rub at the spot above the space of my ribs, but the pain doesn’t let up. It gnaws, relentless and I want to scream but people would just come running wondering what the hell is wrong.   
And they never really want to know, is the funny thing.  
Mama does tho….but I can’t stomach the look on her face again. When she first found out what happened. 

I met him about three weeks ago.   
Three weeks ago when I thought it would be the last time I’d ever set foot in an audition. I almost didn’t go, but my loyal Mewlions were so persistent and encouraging, I figured why not for my last hurrah? Even if I didn’t get the part, no regrets, right?  
I got the part, and not even the one I’d initially auditioned for. It’s for one of the leads, a nineteen year old (hilarious, I know) first year, gay, uni student who rooms with someone that hates gay people because of trauma and will eventually become my love interest.  
His name is Gulf Kanawut.  
He’s fairly new to the industry. He’s good, his talent is evident. And I felt good acting opposite him. Reminded me why I ever started in this industry.   
My Mewlions liked him too. Started their matchmaking, ridiculousness.   
But they need to stop. The chemistry is there. Once shooting starts, the promotions before, during and after. It’ll all be easy doing the usual fan service, I think. 

But he’s also so irritatingly, closed up. He barely looks at me. It’s like pulling teeth trying to talk to him, especially in the morning on the three times we’ve met up for meetings with P’Mame and the production crew. Workshops will start soon, and that will be interesting. But on the occasion he does look at me? There’s something there that I can’t read and it gets hard to breathe?

We had an interview two days ago. Our first as a "couple” and it went really well. Haven’t laughed like that in a long while. He was not so uptight. It was like during auditions. I felt a dynamic with him that made everything really easy. And the way he’d ask me for my opinion or just to help him out with the questions…I liked it. 

He said I’d protect him. The first thought that came to his mind when he first met me.   
I was smiling but...I’m still processing.  
Who says that to someone barely three weeks after meeting them?   
Does he not know who I am? Has he not heard?

I remember my heart pounding too loud but forgetting everything after that. You can see the pictures and there is sound, but its all a blur and white noise and they’re not connecting somehow.   
I’m still processing.

I remember his hands on my arm. He touched me, a briefest of a whisper, those fingers on me. But I felt it. He did that when he was unsure about something P’Patty asked in English. 

I just have to be careful and keep my mind focused. Priorities are important.  
I can’t screw this up. This second chance. I owe it to my fans. 

Sincerely,  
Mew

  
February 20, 2019 

Dear Dairy,  
It’s been a couple hours and I think my head is a little calmer and clear. But there’s this tremor in my bones that I just can’t shake. 

I can still taste him. Like sweet sticky butterscotch, and a hint of something bitter and peppery. A lingering spice of a good Shiraz. 

Fuck! Fuck! FUCK! This is bullshit! What the hell am I doing? 

I should be livid. I WAS livid! We hadn’t discussed this! This spontaneous...God I can’t even write it down!

He’d been uneasy about the assignment. Hell, he’d been uneasy during most of the first day of workshop, eyes skittish, and soooo fucking quiet. Occupied the little corner on the floor away from everyone busy chatting and socializing at the craft table, while his head was perpetually down and focused on his phone. Sometimes I wish I could chuck that damn thing into the Praya so he would have no choice but to--

He’d let me hold his hand tho, during the intimacy building exercises. I did most of the talking, but he was looking back. Round, Bambi-doe eyes, would blink all pretty whenever I said something that surprised him. Had this adorable pouty smile, little ears blushed a pretty scarlet.  
He’s a bundle of contradictions. All scowly in the morning, when he trudged in with this shuffling gait. But it looks like play, this attempt at being a tough guy. His wrists are so tiny and delicate. His fingers and his hands...when I held them in mine they practically disappeared. 

And when I managed to make him smile, I can’t even remember how. Probably some story about Jom sleepwalking?   
I want to keep doing that. 

But I shouldn't  
And he should not have pulled that stunt. 

It was supposed to be a mimic of a kiss. A movement of our heads as if to show the real act, because it was workshops and there was no need for anything real. 

But God...I didn’t want it to stop. It felt good. He felt good. And that damn giggle that left his lips after we parted. I was holding myself so hard from grabbing him by the neck and pulling him back, I thought for sure he’d see me shaking. 

Fuck.   
I can’t do this!  
I CANT I CANT I CANT!

-Mew

February 22, 2019

Dear Diary,  
Things have calmed considerably since my last entry. Apologies for the dramatics. It was just a lot of a lot.  
I’ve also turned 28 since then.  
God.

There’s a running joke with the P’Mame and the crew, that I’m the nong of the cast and am only nineteen. I’ll take it.   
The reality of how quickly time passes is getting too disconcerting. Every time someone calls me phi...it’s like another nail in the coffin? Is it existential to joke about death on your birthday?   
I forget.

I wish sometimes we didn’t have these honorifics. I remember my time in New York where everyone was called by their first name, even the elders, and there was this sense of equality. I was merely Mew.  
I liked how Suppasit sounded from this one nong I met. David. Curly jet-black hair, always so untamed and windblown, I didn’t know whether to brush it back into place or run my fingers through it.   
I was more careful back then.

Nong Gulf indulges. He sent me a birthday video. It was adorable and also surprising?   
It still escapes me how he can switch so easily from being so walled up and distant to being this sweet, beaming happy thing. Pink cheeks, round and puffed, and his mouth turns into a literal heart when he smiles wide, toothy and bright?   
He did that a lot in the video. Sent me happy wishes on my 19th, cheeky nong. How’d he even know about the inside joke, he’s always so occupied with his phone or napping?   
And my God can he sleep. Not much of a morning person that’s for sure. Has this blue checkered blanket he wraps himself with during breaks before his head slowly nods back and a softest hint of a snore can be heard. Times like that I can’t help but want to curl up next to him? Lay my head into the crook of his shoulder and watch up close how his lashes twitch, just so slight, feathery against the shadowed skin under his eyes. I think he stays up too late at night. I want to scold him to sleep better but, it's really not my place. 

But I like it when he’s sleeping. He always looks so innocent then, so young, so...a lot of things I’m not.

He remembers everything. He was holding a panda plushy in the video. I barely mentioned my fandom calling me their panda during that intimacy building exercise and my fascination with them when I was younger. He’s detailed, but I won’t think much of it.

I’ve still yet to wrap around the kiss. Yet to bring it up, but should I even? It’s been days and he’s apparently forgotten about it.   
It’s probably better to let it go. To be a consummate professional.

I have to remember to ask P’Boss to save the video for me. Nong had sent it to P’Boss’s phone as he hadn't gotten my number. Which is stupid. I should have asked for his days ago. Maybe I can suggest video chatting a couple times a week? A means to get more comfortable with each other? We’re going to need to practice lines anyway. 

It was a good day.   
Happy birthday to me.

Sincerely,  
Mew

**Author's Note:**

> I'm aware that Mew's bday is the 21st but for logistics reason and my OCD of spacing out the workshops to 3 times a week. I made his Bday entry on the 22nd but he's really talking about the day before, if that makes sense. Lol! Hope you enjoyed.


End file.
